Listening and Waiting

There are a lot of things I want to do in life, but listening intently and waiting patiently are tough ones. Misty Edwards sings "the way of God is the wilderness", Stuart Greaves, Julie Meyer, Clay Edwards, Sarah Edwards, so many faces and voices running through my mind right now. Random thoughts are completed by line after line of songs logged in my brain. A heartbeat pulses in my chest cavity and a empty hole yearns to be filled with something more. Echoes bounce around me, voices pierce through, I feel like I'm going through the motions but like I'm on a stationary tread mill or something. (Actually, I need to get on a tread mill but that is a whole other subject).
How in the world am I going to get where I need to go and when? Who is going to be standing next to me? Will I be alone? What does it mean exactly to never be put to shame? Is humility and being put to shame the same? I don't think they are but I do think that maybe circumstances can remain the same and I can either allow things to humble me or roll around in self-hatred (aka-shame). ... So does this mean that maybe I will live day to day leaning on the Lord for provision and learn to rest easy and content in that instead of waiting to have all the bills paid, the husband on my arm and the whole nine yards and then "rest easy"?
Hmmm.. Yeah, regardless of all that mumbo jumbo, God is sovereign, God is perfect in his leadership of my life, and perfect in his love for me. I know it is ok to question, so i do :) ... Still pluggin along. Would like for my house, bills, relationships, circumstances, etc. ... to all be figured out and organized but ya know how that goes. Life is a process, a journey, a stretching fun time! Not so much fun sometimes, but very much needed. Just like my friend Jess who is a mom, and was talking to me today of how hard it is to stick to her "guns", with her daughter- God sees, he knows, he cares, but he won't give in or let up, "he won't relent until he has it all (Misty Edwards).." (there goes the song thing again ..).. so yeah, God isn't insecure or afraid that I'm going to wimp out and leave him before he knocks me over with his love. He isn't in a hurry to prove his faithfulness. I can't get away from his love or out of his reach. Good thing..
All that to say, .. do not have a clue, i really don't. As aimless and in the dark as to what the future holds, and HOW i am going to follow through with commitments i've made, and still not drown in the process- I know i will through Jesus. All the props, the glory, go to the man that walked on water, and breathed the stars into existence. ..
..long-winded as i may have been, i really do want to give the Lord praise and honor. i love him, and will continue to offer up my weak, dark yet lovely glances. ..
.....listening... .waiting....
Steph Q.